The terror, bliss, and ecstasy of tantric sex...
Tantric Sex in the fast lane...
When Roland and I met and
stepped onto the tantra path together we had some clear intentions
around sex; areas we wanted to explore and desires we wished to fulfill
now that we had finally found a kindred sex-spirit in each other.
Between us we were not
lacking in experience. Ro had practised sex magick from his late teens,
and I had dived deep into the waters of tantra for fifteen years.
Having published a book on tantric sex I am considered to be a
bit of an expert in the field, but tantra is such a vast subject, an
ever-expanding science – the more you learn, the more there is to learn
so consequently I ofen feel as though I’m just beginning. Tantra
certainly keeps you humble, and the following story illustrates that
I was at a point in my
life where I was hoping to find a lover who would be courageous enough
to journey with me into the unknown. I needed a man who was sensitive
and yet fearless, who was able to hold it together (totally body-aware)
and yet be able to surrender into ‘let-go’...to be wild and abandoned,
but with control over whether or not he ejaculated. This was a tall
order...but then, hey, you don’t ask, you don’t get...
Ro and I have fast-tracked
our relationship in every respect – we moved in together almost
immediately and at the same time began working as equal partners in
business – especially in the arena of sex. Mixing tantra and magic is a
potent combination and I was astounded at how quickly our bodies
merged, becoming completely attuned and harmoniously balanced. It was a
positive start and we soon found ourselves entering new dimensions
while practising strange and esoteric methods and meditations, while
also having a generally fun, passionate and horny time.
One of the things I wanted
to achieve with my enthusiastic new lover was to learn how to
ejaculate, and one of the things Roland wanted to achieve was to learn
how not to ejaculate. At all! Most men out there never consider such a
bizarre concept – they happily go on ejaculating and ejaculating,
completely unaware of what’s possible if they can master that automatic
physical mechanism and decide to ‘go beyond’ – utilising that powerful
life-force energy for creativity and spiritual growth.
Ro and I have another
thing in common which is that we enjoy ‘practice’. Like myself, Roland
was trained in classical music from early childhood and we have both
applied ourselves with tremendous self-motivation over the years to
daily practice, not only in music but in various disciplines like yoga
and tai chi, so it wasn’t a hardship to turn that focus to our sex
life. PC muscle-squeezing practises, breathing, chakra sound work, all
of these regular, structured rituals have added to our experience of
enhanced sexual pleasure. Roland began to practise the ‘Big Draw’, a
taoist method of retaining the ejaculate and started to have the most
extraordinary, female-style, body-rocking orgasms without ejaculating.
When Ro met me he was a
private person, going about his business quietly. I, on the other hand
was an extremely public Tantric Sex Goddess. It was daunting for him to
say the least. At some point the strangest thing happened - Roland
began to lose his erection. It was a great challenge for a man who had
never had this problem in his life before. The challenge for me was to
not get drawn into his panic and to just keep allowing what was
happening to happen. There were moments when I wanted to find the
‘cure’. Every so often I would suggest this or that – but his lingham
was on its own path and was immune to all of the supplements and
healing therapies we threw in its general direction.
One thing I’ve learned is
that transformation can only happen when one can accept that a thing is
what it is and trying to force change is futile. I just kept loving
him, on and on. Fortunately we had so much positive energy flowing
through our relationship, it made it easier to enjoy what was good –
the oral sex was sublime, Ro had led me to find the secret of female
ejaculation and it's sublime orgasm, we gave each other a lot of
massage and we laughed a lot.
I remembered that Sarita,
my teacher had told me once that when a man enters a tantric
relationship his ego dies. It is terrifying for a man to lose his
ego...as he expands into the infinite vastness of the yin feminine he
will be swallowed up and eventually ‘dies’ to himself....if he is brave
enough to hang in there, after the death of the ego he will eventually
be reborn as a God. It took a tremendous amount of patience and trust.
We were driven to the point of despair. And then...we got married.
Overnight, the problem disappeared! For the last six months we have
been making love almost every day and my amazing husband hasn’t
ejaculated once in all of that time. He allows his body the freedom to
surrender fully into orgasmic pleasure and I surf with him, riding high
on the waves of bliss.
Having crossed that
terrible desert, we can really talk about the pain as well as the
pleasure that is inherent in the practice of tantra. We know that
tantra is not all fluffy cushions and candles and gazing into each
others eyes...it is far, far more. Tantra is a cathartic journey of
consciousness-expanding, spiritual growth, one revelation after
another. It makes you cry – tears of laughter and heartache. You cannot
hide. You become more of who you are. You live a richer life. You live