The terror, bliss, and ecstasy of tantric sex...

 Tantric Sex in the fast lane...

When Roland and I met and stepped onto the tantra path together we had some clear intentions around sex; areas we wanted to explore and desires we wished to fulfill now that we had finally found a kindred sex-spirit in each other.

Between us we were not lacking in experience. Ro had practised sex magick from his late teens, and I had dived deep into the waters of tantra for fifteen years.  Having published a book on tantric sex I  am considered to be a bit of an expert in the field, but tantra is such a vast subject, an ever-expanding science – the more you learn, the more there is to learn so consequently I ofen feel as though I’m just beginning. Tantra certainly keeps you humble, and the following story illustrates that pretty well.

I was at a point in my life where I was hoping to find a lover who would be courageous enough to journey with me into the unknown. I needed a man who was sensitive and yet fearless, who was able to hold it together (totally body-aware) and yet be able to surrender into ‘let-go’...to be wild and abandoned, but with control over whether or not he ejaculated. This was a tall order...but then, hey, you don’t ask, you don’t get...

Ro and I have fast-tracked our relationship in every respect – we moved in together almost immediately and at the same time began working as equal partners in business – especially in the arena of sex. Mixing tantra and magic is a potent combination and I was astounded at how quickly our bodies merged, becoming completely attuned and harmoniously balanced. It was a positive start and we soon found ourselves entering new dimensions while practising strange and esoteric methods and meditations, while also having a generally fun, passionate and horny time.

One of the things I wanted to achieve with my enthusiastic new lover was to learn how to ejaculate, and one of the things Roland wanted to achieve was to learn how not to ejaculate. At all! Most men out there never consider such a bizarre concept – they happily go on ejaculating and ejaculating, completely unaware of what’s possible if they can master that automatic physical mechanism and decide to ‘go beyond’ – utilising that powerful life-force energy for creativity and spiritual growth.

Ro and I have another thing in common which is that we enjoy ‘practice’. Like myself, Roland was trained in classical music from early childhood and we have both applied ourselves with tremendous self-motivation over the years to daily practice, not only in music but in various disciplines like yoga and tai chi, so it wasn’t a hardship to turn that focus to our sex life. PC muscle-squeezing practises, breathing, chakra sound work, all of these regular, structured rituals have added to our experience of enhanced sexual pleasure. Roland began to practise the ‘Big Draw’, a taoist method of retaining the ejaculate and started to have the most extraordinary, female-style, body-rocking orgasms without ejaculating.

When Ro met me he was a private person, going about his business quietly. I, on the other hand was an extremely public Tantric Sex Goddess. It was daunting for him to say the least. At some point the strangest thing happened - Roland began to lose his erection. It was a great challenge for a man who had never had this problem in his life before. The challenge for me was to not get drawn into his panic and to just keep allowing what was happening to happen. There were moments when I wanted to find the ‘cure’. Every so often I would suggest this or that – but his lingham was on its own path and was immune to all of the supplements and healing therapies we threw in its general direction.

One thing I’ve learned is that transformation can only happen when one can accept that a thing is what it is and trying to force change is futile. I just kept loving him, on and on. Fortunately we had so much positive energy flowing through our relationship, it made it easier to enjoy what was good – the oral sex was sublime, Ro had led me to find the secret of female ejaculation and it's sublime orgasm, we gave each other a lot of massage and we laughed a lot.

I remembered that Sarita, my teacher had told me once that when a man enters a tantric relationship his ego dies. It is terrifying for a man to lose his ego...as he expands into the infinite vastness of the yin feminine he will be swallowed up and eventually ‘dies’ to himself....if he is brave enough to hang in there, after the death of the ego he will eventually be reborn as a God. It took a tremendous amount of patience and trust. We were driven to the point of despair. And then...we got married. Overnight, the problem disappeared! For the last six months we have been making love almost every day and my amazing husband hasn’t ejaculated once in all of that time. He allows his body the freedom to surrender fully into orgasmic pleasure and I surf with him, riding high on the waves of bliss.

Having crossed that terrible desert, we can really talk about the pain as well as the pleasure that is inherent in the practice of tantra. We know that tantra is not all fluffy cushions and candles and gazing into each others eyes...it is far, far more. Tantra is a cathartic journey of consciousness-expanding, spiritual growth, one revelation after another. It makes you cry – tears of laughter and heartache. You cannot hide. You become more of who you are. You live a richer life. You live your truth.